Mi Querida Abuelita Part One
Now on to the most devastating event for me personally this year. On January 7th of this year, I lost my Abuela on my father’s side. She had a heart transplant in August and came out of it just fine. She was a fighter and I’ve never met anyone with a greater will to live than her. Despite all the risks and the very probable possibility of loosing her due to the surgery, she was determined to do it and fight for a better quality of life for herself. She never showed fear and had a faith in God that I’ve not seen in any other. She had always been sickly and has many times been told that she would not make it or that she would only have a certian amount of time to live, and each time she defied the odds. I believe that she was so grateful that God had allowed her to live all this extra time that she accepted his will and gave herself completely to whatever he desired for her.
Soon after the transplant during her recovery, there was an accident which caused her to have severe brain damage and for us to essentially loose her mentally and emotionally. For three months my family watched her slip further and further away and I will never ever forget the awful things I saw in that hospital. The woman I knew and loved, was gone though her body raged on. At that time we were then told what we already knew and that was that she would never recover and that the damage was so severe that her body would eventually and slowly shut itself down. Angel and I were here in California and this was all going on in Florida. We flew out immediately to be there with the family. Of course, all of this was happening during Christmas and New Years which coincidently was her favorite time of the year but needless to say no one was celebrating. Thank God that she had verbalized to all of us many times before many different procedures that should she ever be in this situation that she wanted us to let her go and put her to rest. Despite knowing this, it was one of the most difficult and awful decisions that I will ever be apart of and I know that part of me will never get over it.
For a week we watched her fade away. I am grateful that I was there for the last few days of her life and that I made my peace with her as best as I could. The Friday night before she passed, we knew that it was getting close and I sat beside her and promised her that I would not let go of her hand until she left us. I sat there holding her hand for 12 hours, despite the constant flow of family and loved ones coming in and out to say their goodbyes and give her thier love. I didn’t leave her side and I kept telling her how much I loved her and promising that I would take her everywhere with me and that I would never forget all the wonderful things that she taught me. I have to admit that I kept waiting for a miracle. I was still holding on to the idea that she would just snap out of it and sit up and ask us what we were doing and tell us to go home so she could feed us. Or at least that she would open her eyes and I would see something other than a blank, vacant stare.
To be continued…
Long Time Coming…
So it’s been almost a year since I’ve written and so much has happened, both good and bad. It’s hard to believe that it’s been that long, but time stops for no one. Despite recent events life is still pretty great and I’m proud to report that Angel and I are still holding onto each other for dear life and have gained a new appreciation for each other and grown to incredible heights. So much has happened…it’s hard to believe that most of it has happened in the past six months. We are still working on starting a family which has taken longer than I would’ve liked but it’s all in God’s hands, Angel and I have begun going to a church out here that has really changed our lives, this past January I lost my Abuelita (Grandmother) which was a devastating blow for myself and family and will be discussed in a seperate post because it deserves it’s own, and now in March my husband’s 18 year old cousin passed away. This year has proven very difficult and trying and we are only four months in. I can say though that I feel that my faith in God has never been for certain and that as of late, despite all the chaos, I feel a great peace in my life.
I never thought that starting a family would be such a frustrating and exhausting experience. We have been trying for over a year now and for a while there I was so depressed and angry with myself and the world. I have come to accept that it’s not up to me. God will bless us with a baby when the time is right and when He feels that we are ready for it. I can’t say it’s always easy to remember this, sometimes I feel like everyone around me is having babies and/or posting that they are pregnant and I wonder when it will be my turn. I can’t say that I still don’t get angry or jealous sometimes when it happens for others around me, but then I remember that He has a plan for me. Looking back now, I realize that had we had a baby through some of the things that we’ve recently gone through, we wouldn’t have been able to do the things that we’ve done and that it would’ve made life much more difficult. I also realize that Angel and I needed time and space to grow closer together and to find God again and get ourselves to a place where we honestly feel 100% connected to each other and on the same page with our lives and future. I feel more confident about us and our love than I ever have, and although the past few years together haven’t always been easy we’ve come out of everything hand in hand. I’m truly blessed to call him my husband and best friend and so proud of the growth and success I have seen in him. I know that when the time is right, Angel and I will embrace that precious gift and enjoy it that much more because of all the work and time we have put into it.
We have also recently started going to an incredible church that has literally changed our lives and saved us in ways that can’t even be put into words. We drove by it a million times and finally dragged ourselves to a service one random Sunday. We really enjoyed the service but we weren’t sure if it was the right fit for us. After some soul searching and some very difficult and devastating circumstances we found ourselves there again and this time with a new pastor. I left the service in tears because I felt that the message that day had been meant for me and that God was really pulling at my heart strings and telling me that we were where we needed to be and that everything would be ok. It’s so hard to hand things over to Him sometimes, but every service we’ve gone to since then has chipped away at our fear and skepticism. I have left many services in tears and with a peace and hope that I have never experienced before. Even seeing how it’s changed Angel’s life has proven to me even more that we are in the right place. We are so grateful that God brought us at the right time, right after a tragedy with enough time and comfort to prepare us for another blow. I’m not sure how we’d be standing if we didn’t have faith in an awesome God that gives us exactly what we need when we need it.
Thank God for that belief and comfort because this past month, on the 31st of March, my husband’s 18 year old cousin Nico passed away. He was involved in a motorcycle accident and it was a very unexpected jolt straight to the family’s heart. Angel collapsed when they told him and we were on a flight first thing the next morning back to Florida. It was surreal to be back home with family so quickly for another funeral. I hurt that much more to be there for the funeral of a healthy, loved and beautiful young man like Nico. He was such a good kid, full of life and a love for God and His promises. He left behind a mother that is one of the strongest women I have ever met in my life, a younger brother that lost a great role model and a big sister that lives for her siblings and has been the one my heart has broken for most. We spent a week with them and were able to help the family for that short time pick up some of the pieces. It’s never easy having to say goodbye especially when we feel so robbed and broken, but we can take comfort in the fact that we will see them again and that for whatever the reason it was God’s will. We’re not meant to understand, only to trust in Him and hold onto the promise that one day we will.
July Has Been Good…
…to me so far this year! On the first of the month I went to see the doctor and she reported that I am healthy and looking good and that my tests all came back normal meaning that Angel and I are good to go for starting our own little family. It’s so exciting and such a relief because we’ve been actively trying for about 7 months now and I had gotten nervous that maybe something was wrong. Now I know that it’s just not our time yet, and that God has a plan in store and when it’s the right time it will happen. The only thing I need to do is gain a little bit more weight and I’ll be set. I guess between moving and trying to find a job and Angel possibly deploying and then not and his doctors going back and forth about his surgery, I lost a little bit of weight and since I’m already tiny to begin with it is not so good. Turns out it’s also darn near impossible to gain it back quickly. Between my already fast metabolism and size, it’s hard to gain the weight. I eat more and try to eat more often but it’s hard to eat when you’re full or not hungry. I’m doing it though and I’m getting there, it’s just a process. My doctor was really happy with my progress and has given me the green light so I’m pretty proud of myself.
Then on top of that, Angel and I made friends with a couple that lives in our development a house down from us. We have really enjoyed spending time with them and on July 4th we all went to the beach and had an amazing time. We took a tent and had a couple coolers full of beer and water and snacks. We were there for like 10 hours it was insane. The fireworks were absolutely beautiful and we had an amazing time. It’s nice having friends that live so close and that we’re able to hang out with. On top of that my most awesome mommy sent us our wedding anniversary gift a few months early so we could enjoy it this summer. She got us our very own charcoal grill and we love it! We were able to use it for the 4th and it was great.
I also was able to get a job! Woot! I’m a working woman again! Oh yeah! lol. I’m only working like 10-15 hours a week so my paychecks aren’t much to write home about but it does feel great to contribute in some way and do something productive with my time. Angel is really happy that I’m out of the house and doing my own thing and as usual has supported me in doing whatever I want or feel I need to do. It’s been fun and I’m enjoying my new schedule. I’m feeling very blessed and grateful to God for all the wonderful gifts and opportunities He’s given us and I’m excited to see what is next. :)
Been a while…
…since I visited. The last time I tried to write, I had technical issues that ended up deleting everything and left me so frustrated that I kinda forgot about it. So many things have happened. We’re now in June and I find myself having a hard time believing that we are at the midway point for the year already. In March Angel and I celebrated our year anniversary of our engagement, he proposed on March 27, 2010. Two weeks later we celebrated a year of marriage on April 11! A whole year of marriage down and done. It’s funny to me because I can remember in vivid detail the night we met and it feels like yesterday. At the same time, I feel like Angel has been apart of my life forever and I find it hard remembering life before him. Almost as though we’ve been together for years and years now when in reality it’ll only be 2 years this September.
Love is a crazy thing. I know that it’s what has brought us to not only where we are as a couple but it’s brought us here as individuals as well. By seeing the best in him, he inspires me to be my best. I feel so blessed. We have been given so many opportunities and blessings. It feels like we’ve taken the world on together and have already conquered so much. We have definitely had our ups and downs, but through faith, love and some determination (slightly stubborn at times) we have found our way. God is good.
Craziness!
It’s already the last week of February! Wow! This month has been a blessing which is crazy to me because I had been dreading this month for a while now. So many updates and amazing things have happened. Angel and I have been enjoying our new home and loving life here in Cali, it’s a little colder than we’re used to but we manage.
Valentine’s Day was amazing. Angel and I went to the beach to lay out and enjoy the weather, however we froze a little and cut that visit short. We then came home for a bit and Angel told me to prepare for the evening’s festivities. I had no clue what his plans were. I was only told to dress comfortably and warmly. He had a surprise in for me. He disappeared for about half an hour while I prepared. When he came home he told me to stay upstairs while he prepared, he then ushered me downstairs and outside. Instead of making our way to the parking lot to the car, we went the opposite direction. I was confused but upon rounding the corning I saw that he’d set up a candle light picnic under the stars. He ordered Olive Garden take out and had set up our little romantic dinner all on his own! It was an incredible night!
A couple days later, my mom flew all the way from FL to visit! She was here for 5 days and it was incredible. I showed her around and introduced her to our life here. She was able to experience Del Taco (which I’m obsessed with) and she loved it! We went to downtown San Diego and to Disneyland and just enjoyed each others company. It felt good to have her here and show her Cali and let her see for herself how beautiful it is here. I have fallen in love with this place and wanted so badly to share it with her. It was a great and much needed visit.
February was a month full of blessings and one of the greatest blessings was finding out that Angel would NOT, I repeat NOT, N-O-T, be deploying due to a hernia. Praise God!!! We have been dealing with this for the past two months and had been getting mixed information about their diagnosis and whether or not he would be deploying with his unit. And then at the last minute, they finally figured it out and made the decision. It was such a relief. Not only for obvious reasons, but I was relieved that he wouldn’t be going because I’d been scared that the pain from the hernia would hinder his ability to protect himself out there. I want him to be at 100% whenever he is deployed in the future. That gives us more time together and I couldn’t be more grateful for this blessing.
There’s still a week left of February and more opportunities to grow and be blessed. We’re working towards starting a family and getting back on track with our degrees. I’m excited to tackle these challenges head on and see what God has in store. :-)
It’s Official…
It’s happened, I never thought it would so quickly, but it has. I’ve crossed over to the darkside with Angel. I have taken my Nerdiness to new heights. A week and a half ago he bought me a laptop, and with that laptop he also bought me DC Universe Online. Yes…a MMO PC game. He is a nerd trapped in a jock’s body and I always just accepted that about him and loved it since I too have my nerdy tendencies. He loved his WOW and his Call of Duty and his XBOX is his prized pocession and I love that about him. It added to my affection. I always wondered how a person could sit in front of a screen and play the same game for hours and not notice the world around them. Now, the past few nights have been spent sitting side by side on the couch with our laptops and controllers leveling up together and saving the world one villain at a time.
The game is amazing, I have to say. I originally just went with it so that I’d take interest in the things that he enjoyed and share that with him thinking that my involvement would be minimal. He’d always tried to get me into WOW and it just wasn’t a game that interested me much. When he mentioned DCUO though, I thought, “Ok cool, at least I can be a superhero.” Now, I can’t get enough. We are hooked. Just goes to show that you should never judge a book by it’s cover and that we should be more open to trying new things sometimes because you never know. I never minded video games, I was just never very good at them. However, I have found a new type of joy in playing this game with him and sharing his passion. I love asking for help when I can’t beat a boss or when I don’t understand. When I’m being ganged up on, my Superhero Husband shoes up and demolishes the bad guys with me. I can see how happy it makes him to have me enjoy what he loves and the smiles when I’m stuck and need him.
I also found another use for the game. When Angel eventually deploys, the game can serve as a means of communication. I’ll take any form of communication I can get. If I see that he has improved in the game, then I know he’s ok. It’s something we can do together even when he’s far away with half a world between us. It’s all about perspective and I’m working on looking to new horizons and finding the silver lining in everything.
Lessons Learned…
Thought I’d compile a list of things I’ve learned since getting married and moving across the country, here goes…
1. Crock pots are AMAZING
- We received one as a wedding present and I’m not that much of a chef and had never really had to prepare full on meals for myself or anyone for an extended period of time and I was in awe the first time I used it. I was terrified to leave the house and called my mom twice to confirm that that was what the Crock Pot was intended for. It’s too good to be true. After using it a few times now, my confidence has grown and I’m looking for more recipes to try out and conquer. It’s not my favorite way to cook, but it definitely has it’s perks.
2. People suck.
-Not all people, but a small population make a big impact. The development we live in has laundry rooms and they are a short walk from our house (not too much fun when you have multiple loads and have to balance detergent bottles on top). I usually sit there for the entire wash and dry cycle for fear of people messing with our clothing. I had never seen anything to make me believe that people would, but I had always figured, “better safe than sorry.” Last week however, I had to go get another load from the house because it was too much to carry at once (thanks to Angel’s Field Op all his cami’s were dirty). I was gone maybe ten minutes tops and when I returned, someone had helped themselves to some of the clothing in one of the washes. I was furious. They were just sweats and pj’s but they were OUR sweats and pj’s and I wanted them back. I went through all the washers and dryers and finally found our stuff. The audacity of some people astounds me sometimes.
3. Have a little Faith…
- This is an important one that I really feel that God has been reminding me of lately. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in ourselves and our situations that we forget that at the end of the day, it’s not really up to us. God has a plan for each of us and if we have some faith in the fact that He knows what He’s doing, then we’d really save ourselves a ton of worrying. I know that I’ve been running around like a mad woman going back and forth on certain issues and stressing about things that are beyond my control and low and behold it gets thrown in my face time and time again that having faith is what I need to do. I’m not saying that a little stress or worry isn’t necessary, we need to be mindful of things, but when it’s all said and done remembering that it will all work out in the end is really all we need to hold onto. Remembering past experiences when I thought my world was ending and the fact that it obviously didn’t and that I somehow made it through those moments gives me greater hope and faith in my future knowing that I’ll make it through these things as well. After all, I’m not alone, I have the best husband in the world and an amazing family that loves and supports me. <3
Just an intro…
My name is Barbie, I’m 23 years old and I just moved to Southern California with my husband Angel. He’s my best friend and my hero and I don’t know where I’d be without him. He’s a United States Marine and I couldn’t be more proud or excited to stand beside him and follow him on this adventure. Things are pretty amazing in my life right now and I have to give thanks to God for blessing me so abundantly. Two days before Christmas I was reunited with my love after 6 long months apart (due to Bootcamp/MCT/MOS) and we’re now living in our own place and have slowly turned this house into a home. I love trying new things and experiencing every second of this life we were given because you never know how quickly it’ll all slip away.
Since moving here, I’ve learned so many things about myself and life and what being an adult is actually like. I’m 23 but had never lived on my own fully. I’d always been with my mom or with family while attending a university in Florida. I see independence in a new light. This is my adventure, this is my life…
On the road!
